Gummy Anxiety

It is hard not to feel despair and a restless anxiety which makes it difficult to focus on watching a 20 minute comedy on Netflix.  Can’t even play Mah Jongg.

I took a tiny bite of the cannabis gummy worms my brother sent me and even the smallest sliver was too much for me. The worm hit me like a wave. I was standing in the kitchen after having made lunch for the children and I felt the room rush at me. I went upstairs and took a two hour nap twitching. I had vivid dreams of getting shoved off a cliff. The TV set even looked swerve-y and un-still when I woke up. A massive storm is still blowing through Quogue with giant hurricane sized gusts up to 70 miles an hour.

Prior to the pot, I spent the morning trying to order chicken breasts and all of the vendors I use have none available. It is hard not to fear problems in the food supply chain because of hoarding, or worse, sickness of the workers. Stephen was telling me there was a meat packing plant in one of the Dakotas where every worker has Covid. Hard to think we will ever be normal again. I have joked to my husband there are four C’s to the pandemic: cooking, cleaning, crying and complaining. There are also four D’s: dread, despair, depression and drinking.

I am grateful the kids have remote learning as having a sense of purpose outside of the home sphere is motivating. I wonder how they manage to focus.

Stephen leaves on Friday to work with Covid patients so there’s my dread.

These gusts are whipping the trees around me as I write.  I can hear the howling in my fireplace like a pounding pulse, matching my heart.